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		<title>Integrating Lexi and Xander? &lt;https://y.st./en/weblog/2017/07-July/27.xhtml&gt;</title>
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		<header>
			<h1>Integrating Lexi and Xander?</h1>
			<p>Day 00873: <time>Thursday, 2017 July 27</time></p>
		</header>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		At work today, one of my shift leaders was freaking out a bit.
		They had a forgotten bill and not enough money to cover it.
		I offered to lend them the $150 they needed tomorrow, though I&apos;ll probably bring $200.
		I can spare the money for a while, and I don&apos;t like seeing them in a tight spot.
		Worst case scenario, this loan helps me start working on my trust issues as I continue to repair my mind.
		I trust no one, and that&apos;s probably not healthy.
		If I&apos;ve know someone a while and they haven&apos;t specifically broken my trust, I should probably trust them.
		This low-risk loan, once paid back, might help cement in my mind that not everyone will take every chance to be terrible.
		Best case scenario, this helps me build my support network.
		If something goes wrong, I have no one locally to help me.
		I&apos;m alone.
		Utterly alone.
		I need some sort of security net that I don&apos;t currently have.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
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</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		A thought occurred to me today.
		If I manage to integrate my two halves, will I be a stereotypical gay man?
		Lexi&apos;s outward femininity combined with Xander&apos;s comfort in his own skin ...
		As for sexuality, it&apos;d basically mean I date men until I find one I click well with, which to me sounds like standard dating practice, but with a preference for a same-sex relationship instead of an opposite-sex one.
		Assuming an integration is possible, it might be my best shot at happiness.
		Then again, I might <strong>*not*</strong> quite be like the stereotypical gay guy.
		I&apos;m pretty sure I need long hair (think ponytail) and an occasional dress-wearing to be happy.
	</p>
	<p>
		I started work on the integration, mostly focussing on figuring out where my two sides differ and deciding how to est deal with it.
		First, I need to deal with Lexi&apos;s desire to physically be a woman.
		What is the root of this?
		<strong>*Why*</strong> do I want to be a woman when I&apos;m her?
		I think the problem isn&apos;t my body itself, it&apos;s what my body means for the future.
		I want a masculine man, but since I&apos;m a gay man, not a straight woman, the men that would even potentially be interested in me would be gay.
		If they&apos;re gay, they&apos;re likely a hodgepodge like myself, and aren&apos;t likely to be very masculine.
		I&apos;m certain masculine gay men must exist, but I imagine they&apos;re a rarity among rarities.
		Even just being a regular, feminine, gay man isn&apos;t the most common thing in the world.
		I think what I need to do here is convince Lexi she doesn&apos;t want a heterosexual man, or more accurately, that she doesn&apos;t want a masculine man.
		From what I can tell, being masculine seems to mean being in a precarious state in which one must perpetually defend their masculinity.
		He must continue to prove he&apos;s masculine, otherwise, he must feel shame.
		Is that the kind of person Lexi wants to date?
		Someone that can&apos;t even be secure in who they are, and must always put up a false front?
		I hope not.
		Second, I need to get Xander to loosen up.
		Xander&apos;s a bit ... obsessive at times, and cold in some ways.
		If Xander can learn to accept and embrace emotion, just like Lexi needs to accept and embrace logic, the two halves of my mind may yet be able to form a better whole.
	</p>
	<p>
		I also thought about what it means to be me; either version of me.
		I listened to a bigendered person talk about the differences between masculine and feminine people, as they were a part of both groups and could see how men and women both interact amongst those of their own gender.
		They said in groups of men, there&apos;s this constant need for every member of the group to continually assert their manhood and prove their masculinity.
		They said men aren&apos;t allowed to have too many non-masculine hobbies, otherwise, their masculinity is called into question.
		I don&apos;t feel like a man; I&apos;m not masculine.
		Because I&apos;m not masculine, I feel no need to prove anything as far as manhood goes.
		That means I don&apos;t have to pretend to be more macho than I actually am.
		Does that mean that, unlike cismen, I am free to be myself?
		I can be my own default, not having to adjust to arbitrary, meaningless, unproductive standards that I don&apos;t even agree with to keep my gender needs satisfied.
		Also though, if I have no masculinity ... does that mean I don&apos;t have to be any stronger than I am?
		Previously, I was quite frustrated that I don&apos;t seem to have the strength to go through the world alone.
		I want a partner.
		If I have nothing to prove though, why even pretend to be strong?
		Why even be bothered if I&apos;m not strong?
		If I was getting in someone&apos;s way, sure, maybe I should find fault in that.
		However, in pairing up, I&apos;ll be helping my partner while he helps me.
	</p>
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